The Plot to Kill Halpert
by HalloweenJack138
Summary: The mission to kill Jim Halpert is in full swing as Roy calls together the best minds he can find to plan the death of a salesman. Of course, the minds he can find aren't that great. I mean, Dwight's there.
1. Enter the Master Planner

_I was really stuck for an idea, to the point that I thought I might be done writing Office fics for awhile. Then this one came to me. I'll leave it up to you to decide if I was better off calling it a day._**  
**

**The Plot to Kill Halpert**

**Episode One: Enter the Master Planner**

Dwight surveyed the other men gathered in the warehouse with pride and contempt. These were his loyal men. He hated every last one of them. "I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here," he swaggered.

"This is_ my_ warehouse," Darryl shot back.

"And it was _my_ idea," Roy seconded.

"Right," Dwight conceded. It was a minor detail and he didn't really want to be troubled be it.

Darryl took Roy aside for a second. "Does he really have to be here?" While Darryl had been friends with Roy for a quite some time now, he had been trying to slowly put more distance between them since his break-up with Pam. It wasn't that he didn't sympathize with his friend, it was just that Roy was being a douche lately.

"He's gonna help me get Halpert," Roy defended.

"Why do you need help?" Darryl countered, bringing up a valid point "Just grab him!"

"I don't know..." Roy was uncertain. Roy was always uncertain.

"How is this even an issue?" Darryl, however, was more direct. When you had to deal with Michael Scott, you learned to be direct. "Just grip him up and get over it."

"No," Roy shook his head. "I can't just beat him up." He tried to pause dramatically. "I've gotta kill him."

If Darryl thought this idea had any hope of success, he might have argued with Roy, beat him up, or alerted the authorities. Instead he offered a blank "Uh-uh."

Roy shook his head grimly. "And that needs a plan."

"He's right," Dwight said with Batman-like drama. "An operation like this requires cunning and decisiveness... and intelligence." Darryl knew that instantly that his was exactly what Dwight had been waiting for his whole life.

"Roy," Dwight assured him, placing an arm around the larger man that just did not make anyone more comfortable, "if this plan works, no one will ever connect this to you."

"All Halpert did was steal his wife," Darryl muttered bitterly.

"They never got married and Jim and Pam are not together," Dwight pointed out, ignorant of how much worse this clearly made Roy feel. "Therefor, no one has any reason to suspect Roy has a problem with Jim."

"He trashed a bar full of people," Darryl said, stretching out each word in the hopes that somehow this would help Schrute understand.

It didn't work. "People wreck bars all the time," Dwight sniped. "Trust me, Roy. You're in good hands."

This, of course, shook Roy's faith in Dwight considerably. He turned to his brother for help. "Kenny?"

Kenny shrugged. He'd been shrugging his way through life, so why stop now?

"All right," Darryl bellowed, "explain how Roy... who _already_ has a record... can kill a guy you have a history with _on camera_ and get away with it."

"Well," Dwight began.

"And_ everyone_ knows he broke up that marriage," Darryl broke in.

"_Unfortunately_," Dwight continued, his face at war with how much he was enjoying this and how much he hated this next step, "for a plan this big we have no choice but to make a deal with the Devil."

The door swung open dramatically, but no one really cared to look. A figure slowly stepped out of the shadows, holding a yellow, beat-up toy boom-box playing a garbled tape of "Smooth Criminal." Had dry ice been available, he probably would have used that, too.

"Gentlemen," Andy said, extending his hand, "let's fry us a big tuna."

Darryl silently decided now would be a good time to find some new friends.

**Next Week:** Night of the Death Shark.


	2. The Gathering of Five

_I don't know how good this chapter is... but then I didn't think the last chapter was that good and I posted it anyway, so..._

_Part of this one is inspired by "Non-Human Resources" with Jenna Fischer on dotcomedy dot com. Check it out if you haven't already, it made me more happy than I'm comfortable telling you._

**Episode Two: The Gathering of Five**

Andy had set up a several Risk boards on the table and was in the process of explaining some intricate mechination that involved a Monopoly thimble and a salt shaker with a picture of Jim's head taped to it. "Now," he explained as though he were narrating the Zapruder Film, "the Tuna is part Fu Manchu and part..." there was a pause of a length that went beyond embarrassing and straight to humiliating as he burrowed through his subconscious in search of a second person"... Batman," he finally settled. "And when you go up against Batmanchu, you better know what you're doing."

Dwight snorted. "He's an idiot."

"Uh, he's an idiot, huh?" Andy repeated, adopting the usual stance of undeserved superiority he took around Dwight.

"Uh, yeah." Dwight responded, mirroring Andy's stance.

"Then how is it that he always pranks _you_?" Dwight's face went red as Andy continued his brilliant verbal assault. "Is it because you're a_ bigger_ idiot? Is that it?"

Dwight had to think for a shamefully long time before replying. "I don't want you to think you've won this one," he hissed, "it's just that I need you right now."

Andy snickered derisively, but pressed on. "As I was saying, the Tuna is a genius, nearly unstoppable..." he looked up for a second "I mean, he'd have to be to beat _me_, right?" Dwight looked like he was about to say something, but but stopped himself, "but he's got _one_ weakness."

If he still felt like arguing, Darryl might have pointed out that Jim had many weaknesses, not the least of which would have been to just punch him in the gut a few times. Right now, though, he was just sticking around the make sure none of these idiots messed up his warehouse.

"That weakness..." Andy ponged his eyes across the room smugly, analyzing each of the other men in the room for_ their _respective weaknesses and coming up more than pleased with what he found. "...Is that the Tuna is an unrepentant lady's man."

Andy paused to let everyone absorb this vital fact, then whipped a picture out of his jacket and slammed in down on the table. "This is Karen Filippelli." The other men looked at the picture. It was unquestionably Karen Filippelli. She didn't look at all happy to have Andy snapping her picture. Certainly not from _that _angle.

When he was certain the room had studied the picture as thoroughly as he had, Andy turned to Roy. "Roy, the picture of Pam."

"Oh, right." Roy had had a surprising amount of difficulty finding a picture of Pam for the meeting. He'd had the same problem after she broke the engagement and he was trying to be nostalgic, actually. He'd promised himself that if they ever got back together, he'd take more pictures, but then he just didn't get around to it. Too late now, anyway.

He'd finally settled for a picture he'd taken Halloween 2004 of Pam dressed as a witch. If the other men had any problem with this, they weren't saying anything.

"These are the Tuna's two most recent conquests..." Andy broadcasted, then added shorter and more sinisterly "..._that we know of_. Now, the first thing we need to do is figure out how to use these two women against him."

"Maybe they'll realize they're both in love with the same man and that will cause problems for them," Darryl sniped.

Andy dismissed him with a wave of his hand. "No, I've got a much better idea. Somebody..." he paused dramatically. It was that kind of evening. "...Is going to have to pork Karen. I nominate myself. Now..."

"Wait," Dwight objected, "why would someone have to screw Karen?"

Andy looked at Dwight like he was idiot. "Duh, for _revenge._"

Again, Dwight felt his footing slip, but he wasn't about to lose face in front of Andy. To lose face meant ritual suicide for a samurai, that's why Dwight never let it happen. "I meant, why _Karen_? Why not Pam?"

"Hey, that is _not_ cool," Andy replied sternly, "you're talking about the love of this man's life." He smiled softly at Roy "Sorry, Big Kielbasa."

Roy nodded. It seemed like the right choice at the moment. This whole thing was a lot like his thirteenth birthday party, only he wasn't _as_ drunk, so he did what he did then and simply put his trust in the people around him. As long as Halpert ended up dead, it was all the same to him.

Andy noted this groundswell of support from the man in charge of the operation and turned a twisted smile towards Schrute.

Dwight shrank down into himself. Just wait, he told himself, your time will come.

"Now that we've got the misogynism out of the way for the evening," Andy shouted with biting superiority, "we can get back to planning on how I can pork Karen."

"Somehow I don't see that happening," Darryl mumbled, just loud enough to be ignored.

"This will be phase one in our plan to destroy every last part of the Tuna," Andy spoke. "When this is all over, we'll..." he stopped, having noticed something missing from his War Table. "Okay, who has stolen my pictures?"

Kenny did not move, said nothing, and contented himself to sit in his darkened corner. He wasn't about to let this evening be a total loss.

"Seriously... this isn't funny."

**Next Week: **Marry! Boff! Kill!


	3. Torment

**Episode Three: Kill! Gore! Tuna!**

Hour three of the assembly and the fragile peace between the delegates had come to an explosive confrontation.

"I just don't see why you should be the one to bone Karen?" Dwight snapped at the erstwhile Andy.

"Who would _you_ have do her?" Andy shoot back caustically. "_You_? 'Cos, I gotta tell you, Big Bobble, I have a hard time seeing _that one_ work for some reason."

Dwight turtled back into himself. "I have a girlfriend," he countered weakly.

Andy laughed derisively. Dwight looked for help, but he could tell absolutely no one in the room believed him. This irked him to no end, even if he had been lying almost every other time he'd said that in this life.

"If this whole 'murder' thing is going to work, I'm going to need to run this gang like Kevin Rowland ran Dexys Midnight Runners," Andy stressed. "Every last one of you will have to blindly do exactly what I tell you to do without question." He smiled wickedly as though petitioning some dark god for a boon. "Only then can we get our 'Come On Eileen.'"

There followed a lengthy pause, broken only when Roy thought to say "I thought the Clash wrote that song."

"No," Dwight corrected him, "the Clash wrote 'Our House.'"

"The point _is,_" Andy swerved back on track, "I've got the ultimate three point revenge plan. _One:_ I sleep with Karen, _Two: _I steal Tuna's job, _Three:_ I move on to the Corporate office... We all benefit as long as we all follow the plan."

"What about killing Jim?" Dwight reminded him caustically.

Andy shrugged. "That's where you three come in."

"There's four of us," Darryl murmured lowly yet meaningfully.

"Of course there are, Soul Brother," Andy nodded patronizingly, "_you_ are a valuable member of this team, couldn't do it without you."

Darryl found himself missing the subtlety and sensitivity of Michael Scott.

He wondered how he could get these idiots out of his warehouse. He knew if so much as got up to go to the bathroom, they'd break out into a Laser tag tournement or something he'd left to deal with the consequences.

And now he had "Come On Eileen" stuck in his head.

"I would sooner die than follow _you_," Dwight hissed, "you were brought here to serve _us_. It was _our_ twenty bucks that brought you here and you would do well to remember that."

Andy didn't hesitate to get right into Dwight's face. "And why did you bring me here?_ Huh_?" Dwight said nothing and Andy invaded further into his space. "Was it because you had so many great ideas you couldn't do them all at once? Was it?" Still, Dwight reminded silent, although his features curtled as if he had tasted rancid milk. "Or was it that you didn't have any ideas at all? That not one of you..." he swept his hand expansively across the warehouse, "...had any clue how to bring down Halpert and get away with it?"

Andy had intended to let that question hang in the air for a while so he could treasure his moment of superiority, but Kenny broke the spell instantly. "We could make it look like Karen got jealous and killed Jim... Roy still has a lot of Pam's stuff we could plant on Jim," he pointed out.

Whatever half-assed response Andy was about to offer was interrupted by the sudden, horrifying sound that shaved years of the lives of every man present: the slow creak of the warehouse door opening.

Had it been Jim Halpert, there was little doubt in each man's mind that he could have risen up, fulfilled his heroic destiny, and struck him down right there. No one would ever have to know about it, each of the other four men (expect Darryl) would guard the secret to the grave, it would have been the perfect crime. (Again, until Darryl turned the other men in the next morning.)

Except, it wasn't Jim at the door.

It was Jan.

"What are you guys doing down here?" she asked, speaking as she would to a Fourth Grade Special Ed class.

Andy's personality mirroring of Michael snapped into effect. "Just having a nutritious breakfast, Mom!" he called back nervously.

Jan shook her head in undisguised disgust. "This warehouse is supposed to be empty tonight."

"Sorry, Jan... we were just..." Dwight fumbled, completely at a loss as to why five grown men would be circled up in an empty warehouse after midnight.

"Wait," Darryl chimed in, "what are _you_ doing here?"

Now it was Jan's turn to fumble with her words. "Well, I'm..."

Fortunately for Jan, she didn't have to worry about making excuses for very long.

Unfortunately for Jan, the reason she didn't have to worry about excuses was that an excuse she could make was rendered useless by the sudden appearance of a half-naked Michael Scott. "Jaaaaaaann..." he sang, "are you ready to 'inspect the warehouse?'"

There followed a pause more horrible than any previously named or imagined.

"Oh... hi, guys," Michael said weakly. Darryl and Roy snickered, Dwight looked on with awe, Kenny became aware of feelings he didn't like to talk about, Jan considered the merits of getting a new therapist. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to Michael, but he'd be lying if he said it got easier with experience.

Desperately trying to focus on _anything_ else, Jan narrowed her eyes at Andy. "Aren't you supposed to in Anger Management training?"

Andy jumped back, then rabbited for it. "It was Schrute's idea!"

"It was_ not_!" He shouted as he sprang after Andy. "Come back here, you!"

Jan shook her head in utter disgust at herself and the children she had somehow surrounded herself with. She muttered something unintelligibly threatening to Michael, and they two were gone.

For a moment Darryl simply tried to blind away the images that had been burned onto his retinas.

"Hey," Roy said, turning to Darryl, "you wanna get a beer?"

Darryl nodded. After seeing Michael Scott's buttocks, he could definitely use a drink.

Roy gestured to Kenny and the three men silently made their way out into the night.

"I've been thinking," Roy mused thoughtfully, "I should probably just grip Halpert up."

"You think so?" Darryl asked him warmly.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I'm much bigger than him," he reasoned.

----

Rashida Jones will be back in **"Stamford Calling"**

A new career in a new town, a chance to put the past behind her. Karen smiled to herself as she breathed the air of her hometown once again. She felt like Mary Tyler Moore.

Now, if she could just get rid of Andy.

"I'll tell ya, Big Veggie, you're lucky you ended up with me."

"Shut up, Andy," she sighed.


End file.
